^^

I love you.

     ^hope something eats

...

meh.

Socks.

So I have a vendetta against socks. I know, I know, it sounds crazy, but it's true. Ever since I was a little girl, I've hated socks. The dirty color they turn when I wear them around all day... I mean, eww. It's like this gray color of filth and despair hanging out on the bottom of my feet. Just no. No thank you. Oh and that awful restrictive, confining feeling? It's like my feet are suffocating, which I know is impossible, but what is possible is me shriveling into a curled up ball of sadness and self-hate.

It's not like I never ever wear socks. Socks are a necessity, and I realize that in my own good sense. I will, of course, wear socks with sneakers. I mean, otherwise, that's just gross and sweaty and smelly, and oh my god disgusting. So yes, I will wear socks, when it is needed, or just plain despicable without them. But I WILL NOT wear them unless it really an absolute requirement to life... and hygiene.

Anyway, as you can see, I hate socks. However, my feet are also in a state of constant cold. Not just cold, it's like they have no ability to maintain any form of body heat. It's like Ryden says in Post Grad, "My feet are always cold. I have the feet of an eighty year old man." I also have the inability to fall asleep when my feet are -3 degrees. So most nights, I lie in bed, desperately trying to warm up my poor feet- sticking them between blankets, folding one of my feet between my knees, which really only makes my whole leg feel like an icicle dangling from the rest of my body... nothing really works. Mostly, I lie there and think about how a pair of socks would probably be the key. However the family I have come from also has ingrained in me the ability of being completely stubborn, hence why I would rather lay awake at night freezing my poor feet off, because I openly refuse to bend to that level... whatever level my delusional, masochistic brain thinks that is.

ugh. No. I hate socks.

A short (albeit very short) story

A short story from the episode mentioned in yesterday's post::

It was summer. It was hot.

Rachel was there.

A lonely grey couch. 

"Oh look cried Ned!"

And then the kingdom was his forever, the end.

Musings of Writing

So last night, while I was lying in bed staring up at my glow-in-the-dark-starless ceiling, I was contemplating a particular scene in Friends. For those of you who actually read this and happen to also be unfamiliar with the show, the incident happens as such:

    Ross has been in love with Rachel since she was in ninth grade. Rachel finds out about his feelings for her, and realizes she returns his feelings as well. She decides to tell him when he returns from his trip to China, but when he disembarks from the plane, he is with another girl, Julie.

    When Ross realizes Rachel's own feelings for him, he decides to make a list with Chandler and Joey on Chandler's new computer, of the pro's and con's of each woman. Actually, it's more of a con's list which begins with Rachel and goes over some of the negatives of her personality. Julie's con list is supposed to say, "She's not Rachel" but, of course, Chandler actually types out "She's not Rachem."

    Then, Ross breaks up with Julie, and he and Rachel plan to go out on a walk to start their relationship, when the list (dun dun dun...) happens to print out from Chandler's computer. Rachel demands to see it since she notices her name on it, and after an improvised story from Chandler, and a very short game of keep away, Rachel gets her hands on the paper.

    Anyway, as I was saying, I was lying in bed, thinking about the improbability of this situation and how differently it may have gone if it was in real life. I also realized how important to the story line this incident was, and what the authors were doing with the characters, plot line and humor of the show.

    This is where I get to the main point of this post. (I know, I know, finally right?). See, I realized that these authors were manipulating the situation, developing the characters, and throwing themselves into the humor of what they were writing. Writing is really all about the author and the audience. It is a dance between what the author is communicating about themselves, and what the reader is experiencing from the piece.

    Writing gives the author the ability to be in complete control, to take over the situations and provide the details which the author, and the author alone, thinks are important. It allows the author to be manipulative of the characters and situations involved. We can be mean- destroying a character and their lives, twisted, drama filled, humorous, loving, gentle- anything we want to be or everything we're not.

    It's a self-centered act, a cry of "Listen to me! I have something to offer, I have something important to say!" It is a search for fame, of reaching out of the world that we know, to connect with people we have, and may never, meet. It is a journey of development, a finding of a creative outlet, and a sharing of ourselves. Writing lets us leave a part of ourselves behind in the world. So here I am, starting my own journey, sharing a piece of myself, and letting who will listen (or, well, read) know that I have thoughts to share, and writing to create. As Julie says in Julie and Julia, "I can write. I have thoughts!"

Things I must do:

1. buy a top hat
2. own a pet rock
3. find  glow in the dark harry potter band aids
4. say "rawr" instead of "I love you"
5. buy some red string and duct tape and pretend to be a spy maneuvering through the security lasers
6. go parasailing
7. paint a room gold
8. pet a llama
9. punch someone in the face (I don't have anyone in particular in mind, I just want to punch some person, some day)
10. go to England
11. get a massage
12. sing a song in a helium voice
13. kiss in the rain
14. go ice skating
15. make up my own recipe
16. finish the impossible quiz
17. go through a drive through backwards (with the car in reverse backwards)
18. buy glow in the dark stars
19. own a bicycle that is not for 5 year olds
20. visit France
21. see a moose
22. never finish a pint of ice cream on my own in one sitting
23. slide down a staircase on a mattress
24. go scuba diving
25. follow a recipe backwards
26. sleep on the beach
27. ride a train overnight
28. buy a grey umbrella and paint the inside of it with rainbows and sunshine
29. write my fantasy book
30. write a children's book
31. write a novel
32. go to boston in the fall
33. buy a tea pot
34. have a tea party
35. go backpacking
36. climb a tree
37. paint a door red
38. paint crazily (like throw different colors of paint at a canvas and see what happens, or fill balloons with paint and throw darts at them)
39. play twister
40. go wine tasting
41. see the ball drop in New York in person
42. go to Florida and visit all the theme parks in Orlando
43. write "dumble" on doors.
44. keep my keys in the refrigerator so I always know where they are
45. sing karaoke
46. do the splits
47. build a snowman
48. eat an icicle
49. throw my mashed potatoes up against a wall
50. not get run over by a car while walking.

Strategies... not resolutions

      I hate even years. The numbers just give me a bad feeling, which doesn't improve as I look forward on them, into their future and what they hold, all I see is dark blue and grey swirlings of emotions. I know the year and what it holds will not be awesome and exciting, but will drag on through the slew of drama and muck thrown along my path. It's very ominous.
    Maybe I always feel this way at the start of even years because of how they've held out for me in the past. Maybe it's because I need a superstition to explain to my sanity why my life likes to dip down into disparity every other year. Or maybe it's just because I'm looking out my window at the dark clouds coming in, bearing their snow and rain, and I am applying the cold they are bringing today as lasting throughout the rest of the year. We shall see.
    Well anyway, even though I'm convinced this year will play out poorly for me, it doesn't mean I'm just going to sit through it and let it happen. No. I'm prepared. I know what to expect from my life (I've been dealing with it long enough) and I have some strategies (I guess you could call them resolutions... *grimaces at the word*) in order to maintain my sanity (which is already hanging by a thread) and keep me... well, me. 
    1. I will write more. The last few years I have put off writing and the joy that it brings me. I cannot do that anymore. I need writing, it's my crux. Writing helps me figure out what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, and is a much needed outlet, instead of letting everything build up inside of me to the point where I explode at the next person who asks me for a favor.
    2. I should find time to read just because I want to read, not because I have to for some dumb class and ridiculous teacher. I have so many books I want to read, they all just pile up and I never get through it. I can (should) make time to read for myself, escape this world and my life for a few moments at a time. Well... it's a good thought at least, we'll see how that goes.
    3. Put myself first for once in my life. I know that sounds backwards. I'm one of those people that finds it completely impossible to say no to people. Ever seen 27 dresses? Yeah, Jane is an older version of myself. You know that line, "Have you ever said no to someone?" "No, not once. Never." Yeah... story of my life. So I need to put my own needs first for once. To think about what I really can and cannot do, and to stand up for myself... but nonconfrontationally (yes that is a word spell check!)

    There it is. That's what I need to do. No more complaining. No more falling apart on other people's shoulders. I am who I am and I will be strong in myself. I can deal with everything I have in front of me on my own. I will be changed, stronger, more independent, and most of all, more confident. I will be witty, charming, and elegant. Or maybe I'll just say "um" a lot and trip over things...
    Oh 2010, here I come.